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(i editted muyao's photo)
Seeing that I would have no time tomorrow to compose an End of Year post (coupled with that fact that I do have the urge to write one right now), i shall have a one-day-before-end-of-year post.
A journey is always full of strange surprises, disappointments and joy.
It has been an amusing year. The word 'amusing' must not be taken lightly. I haven't said anything about it and I've always felt that people have felt that I have been taking life lightly. As if it doesn't matter.
Maybe. Sometimes to me, life is but a series of dreams. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes surreal. sometimes a nightmare. They move in the speed of light, but sometimes, everything is but a draggy good for nothing issue. Sometimes, you learn that you learn nothing from them. Every scenario is an amusement. Amusement from your achievements, amusement from your jokes, amusements from your idiocy. Everything amuses me.
This year is a Breakthrough year. It's the most hectic, the most disastrous, the most pathetic year. But it was also the best in personal developments. I played the year away, but at the same time, i learnt my abilities. I know what i am capable of and I know I know what the others are capable of. I've learnt to hold back and sit at the sidelines and I've learnt to try a certain ability I've always been incapable of. I can now sit back and not judge. It takes alot of willpower, alot of time, alot of fucked up effort, but once in a while, ive succeeded.
Year 2009.
A very guiltful year. I've abandoned the ones I loved in search for the Truth. It's an eternal search for me. I refuse to learn the simple tasks of riding a bicycle, of swimming, of skating, but I refuse to give up my search for the Truth. It's a morbid desire I can't shake away. The urge to know is dangerous, and it puts my mental state on the edge. I give up alot, but I don't really give up. This year I've probably given up five million times, only to revive with an even stronger willpower(which goes to show how little of it i had).
My greatest regret was abandoning the two friends I've made in 2008. It was the greatest mistake in my life. Sometimes i look back and I wonder if it was my fault and if they were okay. They're decent people. They accept me. They know how i am and what is it I want. When i finally realised my mistakes, i tried to make sure i made up for it. I'm sure i hadn't.
I had fun. We had fun. There were influential people in my life this year. Supportive people. Loving people. Very good for me.
There was death. There was disparity. There was discrimination. All evil D words come in threes. This year was the one year that made me so sure what was it i hated. It wasn't religions. It was people. I hated people. But of course I loved them too, just not everyone.
Death made me pessimistic. It made me despair. I felt great fear. I wondered what he is doing now. I never talked about it to my families because we grief differently. They desire to keep in contact with him. I desired to know if he was still conscious somewhere else. If I could tell where he was, what's he's thinking, I think I could leave this alone. I have a fear. My greatest fear is not of death, but of the fact that one day, one might stop thinking. I hate the idea that one day the small voice in my head will finally shut up. The idea that one day i will stop existing and stop thinking is an overkill to me.
They desired his presence. Some other people desired to use him as a stepping stone to promote the greatness of their culture. I couldn't care less if the living people succeeded. This year, my hostility in school dropped and it was replaced somewhere else. I've gained enemies from the inside. Those who know me well have realised that it is impossible to preach to me about their Religion. You can influence me everywhere and make me listen to korean pop, but you cannot sway me that way. If the dead is but a tool to you, then you are but a speck of dust in my eye.
Pessimism gets to me.
Hectic life. I had a blast with AEP. It was the best and the worst moments for me. I feel terrible for Alevels. But at least it has been a good year. No other nanyang kid can tell me they had it worse. You try and beat my combination of having to cope with 4H2, Art and a death. oh, and religion problems. Cope with that.
It was this year that i had decided that not every story needed a conclusion. Not every story needed developments. Not every painting needs to be finished. Not every poem had to make sense. My personal development has resulted in the non developments of the characters in my life.
Catboy is gone. I don't know where he went. He probably hid in the dark corner again, reverted to the silent boy he used to be. Silent, but intriguing. Porcelain beauty. My love.
My music taste developed. From japanese visual kei to endlish mainstream to english indie. Now, I'm back to gazette. Everything returns to square one. Except my life. and his. His went somewhere else.
But i had fun.
I broke my own record and watched four plays this year.
I played too hard.
I gave in and studied like an idiot at the end of the year.
But i am but a gamer. Even my subject combination agrees with me. I am a GAMEr.
Gamers don't lose, they keep reviving.
I survived 2009.
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